Ah, sobriety. The ultimate life hack for people who enjoy sleeping through the night, saving money, and waking up without the existential dread of how much they have spent at the club. Let's talk about the “benefits” of not Using, shall we? Because apparently, choosing not to drown your week in craft IPAs or search for “meaning” in the bottom of a baggie is all the rage now.
1. Your Brain Becomes Functional Again
Who doesn’t love having their memory work like an actual hard drive instead of an Etch A Sketch someone shook during a drum circle? Sobriety means you remember birthdays, deadlines, and why you walked into the kitchen (spoiler: it wasn’t to stare blankly at the fridge). The downside? You also remember how awkward small talk can be. Fun.
2. Your Wallet Stops Crying
Ever realize you spent $70 on two rounds of drinks and a “gourmet” plate of fries that came with exactly four ketchup packets, Or a couple of hundred without entering a store? (and yes, online stores count) Sobriety means your money gets to live a little longer. You can invest in important things—like overpriced oat milk lattes, new clothes you probably won’t wear, or that avocado-shaped throw pillow you’ve been eyeing.
3. Your Skin Starts Glowing (or At Least Stops Plotting Against You)
Say goodbye to the puffiness and that suspicious blotchy redness that made you look like a stressed-out tomato, or the endless scratching from an invisible itch. Sobriety’s secret? It’s just water, folks. That magical clear stuff no one ever ordered on purpose. Who knew hydrating could make you look like you’re not perpetually losing a battle with gravity?
4. You Master the Art of Saying "No"
Sobriety is like the ultimate personality filter. Suddenly, you’re a Jedi of self-control. "No, I don’t want a shot of tequila." "No, I don’t want a line." "No, I’m not paying for your shit.” Or my personal favorite: “No, you can’t “crash at my house for a couple of days!” Congratulations, you’re now a role model for boundaries and fiscal responsibility. Someone give you a medal.
5. Mornings Become Your Best Friend
Imagine waking up and feeling...fine? Like, not even fine-fine, but actually great. No head-splitting hangover, no grim detective work piecing together texts, no one-sided conversation with the toilet, No burn holes in your favorite T-Shirt. Just you, your smug morning self, and a slightly-too-early coffee date with productivity and gratitude.
6. You Have Time to Develop “Hobbies”
Without booze, or drugs, your schedule suddenly opens up. What will you do with all this free time? Pick up yoga? Start gardening? Revisit your dream of underwater basket-weaving? All this time is worth it-because you’re worth it. The world is your fix now, my friend.
7. People Think You Have “Your Life Together”
The minute you turn down a drink or pass up a hit, everyone assumes you’re training for a triathlon or planning a Ted Talk about willpower. You’ll get so many approving nods and "Good for you!" comments, you’ll wonder why this self-righteous glow doesn’t come with a trophy. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t, but you’ll probably end up organizing your spice rack anyway.
So, there you have it. Sobriety: the magical lifestyle choice that turns you into a hydrated, fiscally responsible, glowy-skinned adult with memory retention. Is it worth it? Well, that’s up to you. But hey, if nothing else, you’ll finally find out what it’s like to spend a Saturday night NOT screaming the lyrics to "Living On A Prayer." Sounds thrilling, doesn’t it?
All Joking Aside
All joking aside, sobriety truly is a blessing. It’s not just about skipping hangovers or saving a few bucks; it’s about clarity, self-respect, and being present for the moments that matter. I love and respect each and every one of you, I mean that. Life can be tough, and humor is a great way to cope, but taking care of yourself is no laughing matter. And if we can’t laugh about it along the way, what’s the point? Here’s to embracing the joys of sobriety—one awkwardly clear-headed day at a time.
Stay You,
-Matthew
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